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Would your man get butt implants?
We’re friends, right? I mean, I don’t ask you to do much, do I? Well, this week I am. This week I’m asking you to suspend your disbelief for the time it takes you to read this article. (Assuming you’ve gotten this far and didn’t drop out after the first sentence. If you stuck it out, congratulations: you’re about to get dumber.)
NY Mag recently wrote about “the plight of the flat-bottomed man”, as if that’s a Thing. Recently a bunch of dudes have run off to get arse implants because their current arse is either crap or too flat to hold their duds up. Here’s how it works: a surgeon siphons off some of the congealed beer-and-chicken grease that makes up your man-gut, dumps it into your arse, and all of a sudden you’ve gone from pancake butt to ba-doink-a-doink-doink. Science, eh?
Here are my problems with this:
1. Guys aren’t judged on their butts
We men are judged on our arms, our chests, our facial hair, how much money we earn, what kind of car we drive and our ability to fix stuff that’s gone broke. Ever has it been so. Our butts are utilitarian. We use them for stuff. They get beat up. They’re like feet – nobody expects them to be pretty.
2. We’ve already got a thing to hold up our pants
It’s called a belt. They’re made from leather, have been around for ages, and as well as securing your Wranglers, they’re also good for enhancing sexual pleasure through the magic of autoerotic asphyxiation. Oh, and tying an arm off when shooting dope.
3. Celebrities will get jealous and probably cry
Look at Beyonce. Grrrl has built up a career on that big ol’ nut-brown moneymaker. How do you think she’d feel if not only does she have to keep her butt looking better than women, but men too? Fighting 50% of the population is one thing, but 100%? Psht. And I really don’t want to mention Kim Kardashian here . . . so I won’t. Next.
Let’s let these arseless men have their fun. If it makes them feel good about themselves, hey, you go for it big guy. Pump that bad boy up. Chuck on a G-string and a sombrero if it’ll make you feel better. But let’s not call it a Thing. Like Roswell, the Chupacubra, and the so-called Man Drought, it is definitely not a Thing. Not until George Clooney does it. Then you’ll have to race me to the surgeon because I will be all up in that business.
Would you let your man get butt implants? Do you agree with our male blogger Benny?
By Benjamin Barnet